Closing a chapter

Sometime back in January when I realized that my due date and Dani's due dates were four days apart from one another I told Zack that if by some miracle of miracles he got into Harvard, I wasn't going. He'd have to defer for a year. Just one year, so that I could see my sister become a mom. Just one year. Anyone who knows how much Zack loves me, knows he agreed. The heartbeat was strong, and my chance of miscarriage went down to less then 3%. And then my doctor agreed to run just one more ultrasound for me, thinking it would calm my worries, and I lay there looking at the ultrasound screen where the little blinking light which was my child was gone.

We found out that Zack got into Harvard the same week that Dani found out she was having a girl.

I remember the nights last year that I spent crying, yelling, and not understanding why I had been forced to endure yet another missing blinking light. I spent last year undergoing every hideous fertility test known to man. I was so preoccupied with trying to have another child, not just for me, but for my family, that I missed out on enjoying too many precious moments with my family. I ingested unnecessary hormones prescribed by stymied doctors, shot my body up continually with rat pregnancy hormones and made myself crazy. It's one thing to take progesterone, or clomid if your body has a progesterone deficiency or does not ovulate, but to my body, working perfectly normally, it was torture.

Fine, I decided, so I lost that pregnancy, but by golly I wasn't going to go to Harvard and not be pregnant. So I pushed us further and got on even more medications, had even more awful procedures, and started along the road towards in vitro. I figured if Heavenly Father wasn't stepping in - I sure as heck would.

Everything was prepared, appointments made, medications started and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop feeling like somewhere along the way I had steered us off course. I looked at my beautiful, hilarious, quirky, fun loving, mirror of Zack and me child and was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude and knowledge that he came here at the right time.

And I called it all off.

Quit taking all 9 of my medications, canceled my appointments and notified my doctors. I finally made my peace (okay maybe its something I will always have to actively work at) that I will only have one child during my lifetime. That being true, I didn't want to waste another single day hyped up on fertility hormones. I wanted to enjoy my three and a half year old every minute that I get to have a three and a half year old.

And I am at peace.

I have learned enough to know that I am not in charge and I can't force the Lord's timing or His hand. (Oh how I wish I could have learned this lesson an easier way) I know my small, but incredible family is meant to be here in Boston at this time, and that maybe, years from now, I will understand why. But until then, I will try my best to make every day the best day of my life.