I am still working on recording all the happenings this summer, but our move to Boston has pretty much taken over our lives. It's too soon. In the short moments when I allow myself to think about the fact that we are leaving, I am heartbroken. I have fallen in love with our life here. It was at this moment that I remember writing about my heart hurting almost eleven months ago to the date. I reread the entry and thought about how circular life is. I remain hopeful that if so much could change in eleven short months, that I will be sitting down two years from now, again brokenhearted, at the prospect of leaving our life out there.
September 11, 2008
New Beginnings
Today, as Jack and I boarded our plane holding one way tickets from San Jose to San Diego it hit me. We are not coming back here. At least not back to our Home. It was a perfect take off. We flew right over Safeway, right over the park where Jack went on the swings and down the slide for the first time, the bagel store where Jack ate more mini cinnamon raisin bagels with cream cheese then I care to admit as we discussed our favorite cars, colors, and why the sky is blue, the school where we went to make baskets each evening, and then more recently to race cars, then over Archstone and finally over Nantucket and the park that I looked out on for the last three years. It was a fitting end to a wonderful four years in Santa Clara.
I woke up the other morning at Dani and Sean's house. Zack had already left to catch his airplane and use his one way ticket to San Diego. Jack was still asleep and I just kept thinking over and over again, "My heart hurts." Believe me, I know it's not the end of the world, and I am aware that San Diego is wonderful, but it's not Home yet. Home is something real, and essential in my life. It's a safe haven from the world that I can't control. So, leaving Home is a big deal to me. The only thing making this possible is my faith that Home is where Jack and Zack are (if only I could convince Dani and Sean that they have to attach themselves to us then I'd be set).
I have also been thinking about my grandmother, Baba, a lot. She and her sister Bosa lived in a duplex with their families in Milwaukee. Baba and Deda had three kids, and Bosa and Deka had four kids. I have grown up hearing all about the mischief those seven kids got into growing up essentially in one home. After a few years Baba and Deda moved their family to California and Bosa and Deka remained with their family in Milwaukee. I asked Baba a few years ago, when I was getting ready to move away from Dani for the first time and get married, whether it was a hard decision to make. She told me absolutely not. That it was the right decision for her family and that she and Bosa would always be sisters whether they lived in the same house or across the country.
The truth is I am not me without Dani. I guess that's why we came as a pair. I just have to keep reminding myself that we will always be sisters whether we live in the same house or across the country.
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2 comments:
I think you've got it right that the people make it Home, not the place. You have the special gift of being able to make any place feel happy and safe and homey. I know you'll be happy in Boston too, but we will miss having you so close by. We're already planning our trip back east next year.
That was sweet, Ana. You'll love it in Boston because you'll make beautiful memories there.
We are looking forward to having you closer. I hope that we can all take advantage of that for the next two years. There is a train from DC to Boston. And we're hoping to move to a bigger place to accommodate guests. Although, even the thought of leaving this Home for something down the street leaves me feeling very sad.
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