Gratitude

I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately and it's time for it to stop.  I am uncomfortable most of the day and exhausted the rest.  I forget what it was like to actually be a mom to Jack that I could be proud of.  Not that he or Zack would ever complain, but I feel it.  Someone reminded me about everything we have been through to bring this baby into the world and it reminded me to be grateful.

When I was 4 weeks along and our ob was monitoring my hcg levels every 48 hours my levels weren't doubling.  In fact they told me to prepare myself for a miscarriage.   As devestated as I was, I was grateful that I had been spared having to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound machine.  Two missing heartbeats was devestating enough, I couldn't take a third.  The doctors decided to do one more round of hcg testing.  I waited the 48 hours and picked up the phone knowing it was the nurse and I was prepared to hear the news.  But instead she told me my hcg level tripled.  I don't think I managed a coherent sentence for the first few moments of that conversation.  At which point I started to cry and told her I didn't know what to say I had prepared myself for the complete opposite news and was speechless. 

Then I made it to eight weeks and stopped functioning again.  Each of my prior miscarriages I had lost somewhere around eight weeks and I had to wait one whole week before my next ultrasound appointment.  This was a huge low point.  I don't think I got out of bed for two days.  That is when my amazing husband swooped in, picked me up, packed us up and took Jack and me for a spur of the moment weekend trip to New Hampshire.   By the time we got home, I was mostly out of my funk and made it to the appointment where we heard everything was perfect. 

Fast forward through months of nausea, a bleeding scare, complete placenta previa downgraded to partial 18 weeks later, a move across the country, a new job, and this new life inside of me kicking to remind me "Mom I'm alive, we made it" over and over again. 

I am grateful for those kicks.  I am grateful for Jack who hands down is the most amazing kid, and I am most grateful for my husband who nine years later stands more firmly planted by my side then ever before.  Here's to a year of being blissfully exhausted to come.