Deep Breath

I don't feel like blogging. I feel like I have nothing interesting to say and I'm tired of hearing myself blog.

That being said, I know years from now when Jack is all grown up, I will want to hit myself upside the head for not recording these memories.

So. Deep Breath. Here we go.

Thursday we went to New Hampshire. I had been telling everyone all week we were going to New Hampshire for a ski trip with Zack's section, but when we actually plugged the address into our trusty GPS, she informed me we were actually going to Vermont. That sort of mistake doesn't happen when you live in California. You have to work hard to make it out of the state even as far as Nevada, forget getting into your car intending to go to Texas and finding yourself surprised that you are going to Tennessee instead.

So. Thursday we went to Vermont. It was beautiful. Zack and I chatted about how "White Christmas" of us this trip was. We could almost hear the bells chiming. We got into Vermont late and woke up the next morning excited to get Zack and Jack to their first snow boarding lessons. When we got to the lodge, we were informed that the person who set up the lessons for them was mistaken and they could not take lessons together. So we quickly switched gears (New Hampshire, Vermont/ snow boarding, skiing) and signed Jack up for ski lessons while Zack went to snow boarding lessons. Jack had been excited all week, telling everyone he was going to New Hampshire (sigh) but he could not have been less excited as I dragged him to his lesson. That being said, the place was amazing. We got there and they took down his name, swooped him into his classroom and informed me that I could come back in 3 hours.

Huh? These people seriously didn't know me from Eve. Once the nice lady, who had six kids of her own and a broken nose, got the picture that I didn't have plans to go anywhere, she and I had a nice chat. Jack couldn't see me but I got to watch him listen to his teacher, practice walking in ski boots, practice on their balance equipment, practice walking in skis for the first hour.



Then they packaged them all up in their winter gear and led them to the snow.



Jack kept falling down saying his skis were to heavy and asking the teacher to carry them.





It was amusing for me to watch someone else have to pick him up and be firm about him needing to carry his own skis. His teacher, George took them all up the "magic carpet" (think airport people mover on ice) and then had them ski down the hill.



Jack did amazingly well. He only cried once (he just informed me that he in fact cried twice, but I only saw once).



After Jack's class was done, he and I had lunch in the lodge. I told him brave little boys taking skiing lessons get to choose their own lunches, so we sat together and talked as he ate his chicken nuggets, french fries, skittles, dorritos, and bowl of marshmallows. After lunch Zack joined us and switched to skis so he could ski a bit with Jack. Jack loved skiing with Zack. He held his hand and the two of them probably went down the hill another 10 times.



After that, Jack and I headed back to our condo to rest up while Zack met up with some friends from his section and took in a few hours of skiing. We all had a great time and I am excited for our next ski trip!

We headed home the next morning early so we could make the Crimson Kid's Unbirthday Party, and 30 minutes from home Jack started throwing up. He spent the rest of the day at home, sick with a fever. That's the second time in 3 weeks that this kid has come down with the stomach bug. Not fun.

So in summary, Vermont = fun. Stomach bug = no fun.

The end.

Ugh

Seriously I have this sick feeling about how much I have to catch up on. I'm going to blame the long absence on the fact that Jack spilt water on our computer with our pictures on it and I couldn't type the letters "b" or "d" without finding someplace to copy and paste them from. That's enough to make anyone take a break from blogging. The computer is back tomorrow and I will catch up...

Ice Skating with Zack's section

I vowed to do a better job attending Zack's section events, so when the first evite of the semester arrived in my email, I was excited to see that it was a kid-friendly activity at a kid friendly time. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Jack's 6:45 bedtime, but sometimes it does take us out of the game a bit prematurely!). Last night we headed out to go to Frog Pond to go ice skating. Outside. In the winter. I will admit I have only ever skated on indoor rinks, most of which were inside California malls, so I was excited. And then when we got there, the romance of skating in the park at night in winter I was envisioning was replaced with the realization that we were indeed skating, in the park, at night, in winter. Frozen hands (one of my gloves disappeared in Utah), frozen legs (I really need to invest in some lined jeans like Jack's or get over the concern that long underwear will only make my bum look even bigger), and most of all frozen feet (never again will I leave the house for an outdoor winter activity in stockings and what classifies as closed toe shoes only to a girl from California).

Other then being frozen, we had a great time. The people from Zack's section were really nice and one happily played with Jack during our hour wait (did I mention we were outside and it was cold?) to get in the rink. I was nervous to see how Jack would react since it had been an entire year since the ice hockey debacle. He was super hesitant at first, and I will admit there were tears shed, but Jack's new Section A buddies encouraged him and he put on a brave face. Here is a shot of Evan trying to help Jack out.



Even though Jack is at the age when he wants to do everything and be everything that Zack is, he is also entering the stage where he will try harder and be braver around strangers then he will around us. Zack and Jack went around the rink a few times (mind you they took a good 15-20 minutes each loop), and when they got off the ice Jack was not crying and said he had a good time and wanted to skate again.



It was a fun, albeit cold evening and a great way to get back into life in Boston.

Oh did I mention...

This guy turned 4



He insisted that he wanted to wait to have his party in Boston with his "Boston friends." The party is this week and I will post more about the awesomeness which is Jack at 4 then.

*This is Jack's picture face. After 4 years of us tickling him in pictures to try to get him to smile, he is convinced he has to fake laugh anytime someone is taking his picture. Oh and fake laughs always include the hand by the face to cover his laugh. Classic.

Maybe we need to get out more...

The other night, Zack and I went out to a movie just the two of us. When we were in the theater, I told Zack that I needed to go to the bathroom before the show started. To which he replied,

"Okay no problem. Pee Pee or Poo Poo?"

I stared at him until he remembered where he was and that I was in fact nearly thirty and not nearly four and in need of the sort of assistance that might require such an inquiry.

There's no maybe to it. We definitely need to get out more.

Back tracking

Before I can record the last few weeks of our lives I need to do a bit of back tracking.

December 1, Jack and I boarded a plane to visit my mom in North Carolina for a week. My mom met us at the airport with Madeleines (the cookies she always brings Jack) and presents. Here is a picture of Jack all the way in the bag, wanting to make sure there were no presents left in the bag...


Each morning Jack would wake up and I'd send him down the hall to wake up grandma. I would get up sometime later to find the two of them playing happily together. I love my mom. I love how much she loves my son. I love how she spends all day engrossed in play with him. They told stories, played computer games, read books, drew with chalk, played soccer and basketball, and decorated gingerbread houses.





Grandma took us on a hay ride through the Christmas lights. Jack looks like a goon in some of these pictures. I told him to smile, and then when he didn't I told him he looked like a goon and I was going to post the pictures anyways. This is me following through, because isn't that what parents are supposed to do? Follow through on all of our shallow threats?





Grandma took us to the tree farm and let Jack pick out the tree. We put on Johnny Mathis Christmas carols, and decorated the tree together. Jack basically put all of the decorations in one clump. He was especially excited to hang the candy canes.


**Did I mention that Jack wore his Harvard shirt pretty much the entire trip? He was of course Harvard in all basketball, and soccer games played. (Some what unrelated, one morning Jack got out of bed and told he he had the best dream. Harvard beat Georgia Tech! I didn't even know he knew who Georgia Tech was!!)



One evening we went out to see a local football game that Bill was covering for the paper. I knew the game was getting serious when the man in the row in front of us stood up and put on his waterproof pants. I was sitting there, all high and mighty from California, wondering where in the world I was that people packed waterproof pants in their bags, when I looked over and saw my little boy engrossed in this football game, and it clicked. These people were out, sitting in the rain, because they were fathers, mothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents to the boys on the field...and you better believe I will be bringing my waterproof pants to any and every thing I need to to support my child.

Thursday night the tornado watch for Warsaw county turned into a tornado warning. The same moment that the roof started noisily shaking my mom's cell phone rang, warning us to get into our basement or bathrooms immediately. I ran into the room Jack and I were sharing and picked him up out of bed and ran into the hall bathroom. My mom followed with all of the couch cushions in hand. We sat together in the bathroom for close to an hour. Jack woke up a few times in my arms and asked what was happening and if he could go back to bed. There are moments in life when I am no longer my own being, but just Jack's mother. I guess that's part of the survival of the species that is imprinted in each of us. This was one of them. As I sat there terrified myself, all I did was pray desperately that my child would be safe. In that moment, it was not about me, but my mind was busily thinking and planning on how I could best secure Jack's grip to the toilet (which had the best hope of remaining in place if the roof blew off.) I am happy to say that the worst of the tornado passed by us. Jack returned to bed, and my mom and I stayed up for hours eating chocolate and refreshing the radar on the computer screen until all traces of the storm had long past.



The next morning, Jack woke up and asked if we could go to the bathroom again that night because it sure was fun. His comment hit me. As terrified as my mom and I were, we somehow managed to shield Jack from it. He got to remain a kid, secure in my arms, even if my arms were surrounding him in the bathroom. Thank heaven for tender miracles.

One of the best things I got out of this trip, was how much my mom's house, of which this was only my third visit to, felt like home. It had the same feeling of home that her house always when I was a child. I love that. And I love her.

Home?

Jack and I are back home in Boston tonight. I was happy to get home and then was overcome with loneliness as it dawned on me that Dani and Maddie are not here. The two of them have been so much of my last three weeks that I had forgotten what it felt like to not have them with me. I find myself back at home, unable to remember where I keep my flour, my cookbooks, even my pots and pans and I start questioning whether this little space ever really felt like home, or if I was deluding myself. A few tears, and reassuring words from Zack and Dani promising that I really did love my life out here before and I will again, and I take a deep breath, lock my sister and niece away in my heart and move forward resolved to remember how I ever felt living in Boston felt like home.

Thanksgiving and Family

This Thanksgiving I had grand plans, and not one of my plans involved me cooking a turkey. Dani and I have hosted Thanksgiving for the last four years, and I was excited to forgo it for a year. Instead, we were going to Plymouth Rock to their period dinner, where you eat with your hands & speak to people in period costumes. This was all fine and dandy until I realized that tickets go on sale June 1, and lo and behold, are snatched up way before November 14. :)

That being said, I am so grateful this Thanksgiving. I am grateful that Steve and Ie Li drove 12 hours with two young children to stay in our small home with us for the holiday. I am grateful that Jack loves his cousins so much that he woke Stephen up in the wee hours of the night to convince him to climb out of his crib and play with him on multiple occasions. I am grateful that Steve and Ie Li found this as amusing as we did (although we were cautious to let the boys catch wind of our amusement). I am grateful for friends who kept calling until I agreed to combine our Thanksgiving dinners. I am grateful for a seriously delicious meal that I couldn't keep from saying "mmmm" over and over again with each course, and I am most embarrassed to say included the dishes that I made :). I am grateful for our gps, despite the fact that it took us all on a wild Turkey chase instead of to the correct Boston Public Gardens. I am grateful for family spread all over the world that make our lives richer and full.

For Records Sake (Post 2) We went to a Harvard Game

About a month ago, we went as a family to the Harvard/Lafayette game which was played on campus. It was FREEZING that day!! Zack and Jack sat next to each other while Zack explained every play to Jack.



Jack got way into it and wouldn't hear of leaving before the last play was over, despite Harvard's pathetic loss. While I was sitting on the freezing cold cement seats, replying to emails and surfing the internet thanks to Zack's iphone, I had an "a-ha" moment. Here I was trying to create a great family moment (okay, not at that precise moment since I was surfing the internet) but the important "moment" that actually happened was a bonding moment between father and son.




So a few weeks later when Zack wanted to get tickets to the Harvard/Yale game down at Yale, I politely declined the invitation. Zack looked sorry for me to be missing all the fun and asked what I would do all day by myself.

My response? Anything I blessed wanted.

Zack and Jack had a fantastic time at the game. They ate hot dogs and talked football. They stayed for the entire game, and Zack convinced Jack to go down and get his picture taken with Harvard's team after the game, which they won!

See how timid he is at first...




Since this game, Jack has become obsessed with Harvard. Whatever football, soccer, basketball game he is playing he is always Harvard (and therefore the winner, and the other player gets to be either Lafayette or Yale).

The boys thoroughly enjoyed their game, and I had the most glorious day of waking late, reading in bed for hours, eating top ramen for dinner and chocolate for dessert, that didn't need to be shared. All in all, it was a perfect day.

we're safe

Thanks to all for prayers and emails.
Love.

Prayers

Not sure if anyone is awake or reading this, but we have a tornado warning here in Warsaw. We are okay right now and I think the worst is past us (more about our experience once we see the blue sky), but I am petitioning for prayers. As many as you can offer for us. Now.

Love.

For Records Sake

About a month ago, Jack's friend Andrew had his 4th birthday. While I was helping Jen (Andrew's mom) with last minute party details, I sent Jack home with Zack to get dressed for the pirate themed party. I bought Jack a little hat, sword and eye patch.

I just about peed my pants when this little guy walked through the door...

Let it be known that Zack takes his costume responsibilities very seriously!

**too bad they used my good eye liner which all but refused to come off at bedtime!

Rock and Roll

I think someone must have slipped my kid something because he is acting as if his fast forward button is stuck on on this evening. Instead of sleeping, he is singing in bed at the top of his lungs,

"I love Rock and Roll, da da da da in the juke box baby, I love Rock and Roll - YEAH"

...over and over again...

I hope all the neighbors enjoy the serenade as much as we do.

Jack's Home

When I was little (okay, so maybe now too) I used to spill everything. Seriously, I don't know why, I just know that whenever I came within a 3 foot radius of a beverage, I somehow managed to knock it over. Each time I did, my dad would patiently walk over, clean up the spill and say joyfully, "Ana's home!" I don't remember any time when his answer was anything other then gentle and grateful that I was around to spill something.

This has always been a sweet memory, but it wasn't until recently that I gained a new understanding and respect for the patience he showed in the face of my clumsy messiness. It wasn't until recently, when I have caught myself quick to irritation at my own child's clumsy messiness that I realize what a gift my father gave me. I see it in Jack's sad eyes when he catches the frustration in my tone or in my face. I see it and I catch myself. I take a deep breath and instead tell my child how we share this talent for spillage. I share with him my own memories of his Deda when I was a child. And, quickly I am reminded how grateful I am to have a little boy around me spilling things, and instead I say, "Jack's home!"

Halloween

Jack and I returned from San Diego the night before Halloween. The timing actually worked out surprisingly well, because Jack was able to remain sane despite the fact that he was up late on Halloween and full of sugar. We went to the HBS Halloween party and then took the T over to Beacon Hill to trick or treat. It was quite an experience, as all the residents decorate their entryways and sit out on their stairs handing out candy to the millions of kids who come by. Jack's basket was filled to the top and even though it was so heavy that he needed both arms to carry it, he refused to accept anyone's help. Zack's costume was a hit. It traveled with us to Boston and has lived under our bed for the last year since Zack was one day late in finishing it for last year. I think he must have been stopped and asked if people could take pictures with him at least a dozen times. Next year he promised that his costume would be more child friendly and less cumbersome since he was essentially unable to help with anything other then moving his costume around.

All in all, we had a great Halloween and can't wait for next year!!

**sorry for the lame picture. We forgot our camera, so this one shot had to be paid for in Hershey bars right before Jack crashed for the night.

Flashback

I had a flashback moment this evening while Zack and I were putting Jack to bed. Jack was not cooperating, so it being November, we felt licensed to start pulling out the, "we're going to call Santa" threats. Jack quieted down and then asked Zack what Santa's number was. Before he could get past the first 5, I gently reminded him that Santa's number is only for moms and dads. (Otherwise I know Jack well enough to know that he would be dialing the number to plead his case directly with Santa tomorrow morning).

Jack said, "But someday I'll be a dad with my own kids, and I need to know the number now so I can call Santa for them otherwise they won't get their presents." Perfect logic my child has. I used the same logic at six. I was in the post office with my mom and threw the world's largest tantrum telling her how sorry she would be if she didn't tell me the truth about Santa because I wouldn't get my kids any presents and they'd wake up with nothing from Santa. For some reason, I needed to know right then the truth. I spent the next year or so holding it over my sister's head and whispering to my friends, also in the know, not to speak of it in front of Dani. Dani said I was so obvious about it that of course she knew too.

One thing is for sure, with Zack as his father, Jack's kids might actually be in danger of not getting presents one Christmas morning! :) But at least for now, Zack and I will be the only one's making calls to Santa.

Madeleine has stolen my heart

Jack may have fallen in love with Emily, but Maddie has stolen my heart. Words do not do justice to how tied to my sister's daughter I feel. I always knew how much Jack was a part of Dani, but until meeting Maddie, I never could have understood the extent of it. Over the course of our 10 day love affair, Dani would periodically find me holding Maddie and crying. These were moments when she would look straight up into my eyes, and I knew she knew me, knew that I was part of her mother, and that her mother was part of me. Dani told me that her first night home from the hospital she woke up calling out for me. I love that. I love it because sometimes my sister is quiet and reflective, but this story cuts through all that, right to the truth of the depth of our bond.

We realized on this trip that genetically Jack and Maddie are half siblings. If you ask who Maddie looks most like, Sean or Dani, they will most often reply, "she looks like Jack." Jack was really sweet with Maddie (99% of the time) and loved to brush her hair, try to tickle her, hold her and just lie on the floor watching her. He watched for her on the monitor and whenever he saw she was waking up, he wanted to be the first one up to say hi and help get her.



I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I wondered how it would feel to share the role of being a mom with my sister. It has been my personal space in our family for the last four years and now, would never again be. But the truth is, I am overjoyed. I am so excited that after going through so many huge things in our lives together, at the same time, we now get to be moms together. I can think of few things as wonderful, and even fewer as meaningful as watching my sister be a mom. She is a beautiful, calm and graceful mother. It makes me wonder if I had to be as insane as I was during Jack's first weeks of life, but that is another story.

Emily

On our way to the airport to fly home to Boston Jack piped up from the back seat after being quiet for a few minutes.

"Mom, I think I'm falling in love with Emily" he said.

I called Jen (Emily's mom) to notify her of his feelings, because I knew she'd get a kick out of it. She told Emily and then Emily came back to her a few minutes later and said,

"Mom, I think I'm falling in love with Jack too"

Too much cuteness - I just can't stand it.



**this picture was taken right before we moved to Boston

It's Snowing

Today it snowed. Huge snowflakes. Jack was ecstatic.

We head to San Diego Tuesday morning for 10 days. He doesn't believe me when I tell him we are only packing shorts since it is 84 degrees there and he will be hot, not cold.

Little Napoleon Dynamite

Style this good has to be learned early.

Our Own Boston Tea Party

Our dearest and oldest friends the Richs came out to visit us one of our first weekends out here...maybe even our first?? You know you have the most awesome friends when they willingly load up their three kids into the car and drive four hours on a Friday night to camp out in our tiny spare bedroom, just because we finally live close enough to make this weekend happen. Saturday morning the eight of us went out to explore Boston for the first time together.

First stop, Boston Harbor, where we re-enacted the Boston Tea Party by throwing tea into the harbor. I think the kids may have thought we were weird, but were quite happy to throw something into the water.






Thinking back, I am super impressed that all the kids (and Zack) managed to hold onto the wrappers and only dump the tea into the Harbor.



Next stop, the start of the Freedom trail and Paul Revere's house.



Zack then purchased his weight in Italian pastries at "Mikes" in the north end (I sound like I have some idea what it's the north end of!) Monica and I and the kids sat near one of the Old North Churches and ate Jack's weight in what really wasn't all that impressive desserts while poor Zack went to get the car and waited at the other Old North Church.

Monica and Adam are the best best friends anyone could ask for. Our time on the east coast will hopefully be full of fun Rich/Zackrison adventures...and I'm sure, way too much food. :)

Moment

The other day when it was an unbelievably cold 55 degrees (I swear it felt like it was 15 below with the wind) and I was wondering how we were going to survive the winter if we were freezing already, I told Jack to ask Papa next time he saw him,
"Papa, why in the world did you move us some place so cold?"

About two weeks later when Jack and I were in the car running a random errand and commenting on how lovely it was, Jack says, "Momma, when you see Papa next, ask him, Papa, why in the world did you move us some place so beautiful?"

I could learn a lot from this little boys optimism.

Further proof that we are experiencing the city

Our days are long. Zack wakes up at 5:45 and is out the door by 7:20, goes to classes and studies till 5:30 or 6, comes home for dinner and helps to put Jack down to bed and then is typically up studying until at least midnight, sometimes as late as 2am. I wake up as he walks out the door and am in charge of everything else that doesn't appear on Zack's above schedule, in addition to being a full time cruise director for a three year old. Despite how busy we are, we are having a great time and making the most out of our two years on the east coast before we move back to California. :)

Last week, Grandma Z came out for a much welcomed visit. She was awesome and watched Jack while we went to an adult dinner (heaven). Jack loved playing with her and of course having her read books to him at bedtime. She definitely helped it to feel a bit more like home out here and we can't wait to lure her back out here again very soon.



Jack took Grandma on a walk along the Charles River. His smile is paid with cheesecake.



Jack the photographer



Friday morning, Zack, Jack and I drove out to Cape Cod for a student retreat. We played at the beach (I even played volleyball which hurt like crazy!!!), and then spent the rest of the day at the hotel's indoor wave pool. Jack loved it and despite his blue lips, stayed in the water until dinner time. We had a fun time getting to know everyone over dinner and games.

Our volleyball team



Jack and Zack playing football on the beach



Jack the photographer



How beautiful is this place!!!

The Swan Boats

Our first weekend in Boston we decided to go to Boston Public Gardens to ride the Swan Boats. This was a big thing in Jack's life because the book, "Make Way for Ducklings" was what made the move to Boston okay in Jack's mind. The book chronicles the journey of Mr. and Mrs. Mallard as they try to find a home for their expanding family. They go all over Boston and end up making the Public Gardens their home. They spend their days following around the swan boat and their nights sleeping on the little island. The cool thing is that when you get there it totally looks like you are stepping into the book (except you can no longer throw peanuts to the ducks off the boat).



Jack and Zack on the Swan Boat


Jack loving Boston


Jack the photographer


Looking back at these pictures I feel totally justified in my initial feeling regarding the how green Boston is. It's like we moved to the Emerald City or something. :)

Boston Public Gardens is 3 miles away from our home, but it took us over an hour and a half to get there thanks to some seriously faulty Iphone navigation. We drove right from the Gardens to Best Buy to buy a GPS. Seriously saved my sanity.

Madeleine

Madeleine

Madeleine made her entrance into this glorious world around 9:30am (12:30 my time). Sean called and I could hear nothing but my little niece in the background/foreground/all-ground screaming the loudest most beautiful angelic definitely female scream I have ever heard. I immediately started crying. Why is it that it doesn't even occur to me until I'm living it, that these moments are life changing, and of course will involve me blubbering like an idiot? My sister, the other half of me has a baby. The first moment I heard that baby girl screaming bloody murder, my heart was broken and then miraculously stitched back together again instantaneously. It will never be the same again. I instantly knew how a mom can love two children when her first has so completely consumed her heart. I know because there is a little girl in San Diego that my heart recognizes and cannot do without.

I tried to explain my tears to Jack after I got off the phone. As soon as he heard Adda had her baby he looked at me and said, "what are we waiting for mom. Let's go to San Diego!"

My Sister

My sister is on the other side of the country on her way to the hospital to give birth to my niece. What I wouldn't do to be able to be there...

Things I want to remember

Jack can't tell the difference between Dani and me. Even though she is 9 months pregnant, he still walks into a room and asks if she is me or not. I tried to remind him that she was pregnant and I didn't have a big belly (first time in my life Dani's belly was bigger then mine!). He looked at me like I was crazy. I suddenly realized how great a gift it was that he had no concept at all about body images. He didn't pay attention to her growing belly, or my lack there of. How cool is that???


Zack took a test to try to help him hone in on what his perfect career path would be, so that he can know how to take the necessary steps to get there. The first question was where do you see yourself in 5 years. Zack's response..."Looking out a window at work, thinking about Ana and Jack." I burst out laughing when he told me because his answer is so him, and so true. At least two years at Harvard might help him get a bigger window to look out of!

Apple Picking in Massachusetts

This morning after tucking our flu ridden Zack into bed, stocking the fridge with Gatorade, juice, three kinds of soup, medicine and tissues galore Jack and I set out to go apple picking. We drove about 40 minutes to Acton. It was a beautiful ride, and made me fully repentant of my previous, "what's with all the freaking trees" comment I made upon arrival in Boston.

Jack and I had a great time picking apples, eating apple doughnuts, drinking apple cider, getting lost in the hay maze and bouncing in the bounce house. The only thing missing from our day was Zack.






Jack picked this apple off a tree and came over and told me that there was a picture of an apple on his apple. He insisted, and rightfully so, that it deserved photographic documentation.




**We are not heartless leaving Zack here alone. We were meeting friends, and knew that Zack would be asleep most of the day. I also figured it was better that we get out of our germ box apartment so Jack and I don't get sick and make Zack feel worse.

Closing a chapter

Sometime back in January when I realized that my due date and Dani's due dates were four days apart from one another I told Zack that if by some miracle of miracles he got into Harvard, I wasn't going. He'd have to defer for a year. Just one year, so that I could see my sister become a mom. Just one year. Anyone who knows how much Zack loves me, knows he agreed. The heartbeat was strong, and my chance of miscarriage went down to less then 3%. And then my doctor agreed to run just one more ultrasound for me, thinking it would calm my worries, and I lay there looking at the ultrasound screen where the little blinking light which was my child was gone.

We found out that Zack got into Harvard the same week that Dani found out she was having a girl.

I remember the nights last year that I spent crying, yelling, and not understanding why I had been forced to endure yet another missing blinking light. I spent last year undergoing every hideous fertility test known to man. I was so preoccupied with trying to have another child, not just for me, but for my family, that I missed out on enjoying too many precious moments with my family. I ingested unnecessary hormones prescribed by stymied doctors, shot my body up continually with rat pregnancy hormones and made myself crazy. It's one thing to take progesterone, or clomid if your body has a progesterone deficiency or does not ovulate, but to my body, working perfectly normally, it was torture.

Fine, I decided, so I lost that pregnancy, but by golly I wasn't going to go to Harvard and not be pregnant. So I pushed us further and got on even more medications, had even more awful procedures, and started along the road towards in vitro. I figured if Heavenly Father wasn't stepping in - I sure as heck would.

Everything was prepared, appointments made, medications started and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop feeling like somewhere along the way I had steered us off course. I looked at my beautiful, hilarious, quirky, fun loving, mirror of Zack and me child and was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude and knowledge that he came here at the right time.

And I called it all off.

Quit taking all 9 of my medications, canceled my appointments and notified my doctors. I finally made my peace (okay maybe its something I will always have to actively work at) that I will only have one child during my lifetime. That being true, I didn't want to waste another single day hyped up on fertility hormones. I wanted to enjoy my three and a half year old every minute that I get to have a three and a half year old.

And I am at peace.

I have learned enough to know that I am not in charge and I can't force the Lord's timing or His hand. (Oh how I wish I could have learned this lesson an easier way) I know my small, but incredible family is meant to be here in Boston at this time, and that maybe, years from now, I will understand why. But until then, I will try my best to make every day the best day of my life.