The Zackrison House Goes Dark

We are grateful that our Christmas lights helped us celebrate the Season.
We are grateful that our Christmas lights warmed the heart of a Navy Seal risking his life in Oman during his final deployment.
We are grateful that our Christmas lights marked the celebration of Zack's birth.
I am grateful that today, March 27, 2009 is the first night in nearly five months that the Zackrison house is dark.

Take that SDG&E!

(When I complained about the electricity bill last month and the contribution that the "Christmas" lights made to it, Zack told me I should just put the heat on less. The man definitely has his priorities!)

Finding Meaning

One** of the hardest things about losing another pregnancy is that your reason and purpose suddenly disappears. For weeks the vomiting, lack of energy, feeling of not being a good enough mother to my child or wife to my husband has a purpose. The fact that my house is a mess, I haven't cooked a meal in heaven knows how long, and my body is getting softer and less toned thanks to my doctor's request that I don't exercise -- it's all okay, because I am doing it for our family. I am doing it so that my child can have a sibling to share his hopes, dreams and life with, a friend that will be around long after Zack and I are no longer. I am doing it so that our hearts can expand and learn to love even more then we know how to today, even more then we think possible. After suffering through another loss, it is in the arms of my husband, my mother, and my child that I find peace and help in refocusing my purpose. And, it is in my child's arms that I gain the faith to move forward, remembering how worth the wait he is, and find faith to begin again with purpose.

Jack learns to write

Both mother and father are so proud...

Jack's thoughts

I am constantly asking Jack, "do you know how much I love you?"

The other night in the car, Jack turned to Zack and asked "Papa, do you know how much I love sugar?"

So, so much.

This morning when I came downstairs Jack said, "Hey Mom, do you know there is a place called Hidden Valley and they have lots of vegetables there? We should go there sometime." I think he must have seen the Hidden Valley Ranch commercial a few too many times. I can't understand why he would want to go there given his distaste for all things vegetable and his apparent love of all things sugary.

Directions to Jack's work

Tonight at dinner Jack gave us detailed directions of how to get to his work.

"You go to ESPN and then take a right turn at dot com"

I'm thinking maybe we have been letting him spend a little too much time playing games at espn.com

An Ilich Christmas

Growing up our family observed Christmas and New Year's according to the old calendar. That meant that Christmas came every January 7th. Christmas in our family didn't involve presents or even a tree, and in spite of, or maybe because of this it was a special day in its own way.

Every January 6th (Christmas Eve) my family would gather in the evening at my grandparents house. There were years that we had more then 25 people, and others just 6. My grandmother would fix a "fasting" meal (meaning no animal products - fish is ok) and we would set a table on the floor. She would have us lay a red table cloth over the floor and then place all of the food on it.





Next came the fun part. We would recreate part of the manger scene. The adults would be hens and their role was to "quaw" and the kids would be chicks and our role was to "pew" (I am still a chick at 28...I think I may always be...). The oldest male would then take a basket full of hay, walnuts, wheat and coins and forming what I will call a tango line for lack of a better name, we would line up from oldest to youngest and assume our respective hen or chick roles, quawing or pewing as we moved from room to room throughout the house as the hay, walnuts, wheat, and coins were thrown all over. We would then sit down on the floor for dinner and the kids would look around trying to spot the largest coins during dinner so once we were released we would run as fast as we could to collect the most money.

Since we live in San Diego, we decided we were close enough and it meant enough to us to have Jack and Zack experience an Ilich Christmas Eve. Jack had a wonderful time and I think he got a kick out of seeing all the adults in the room behave so strangely! It was a touching experience to see my child experience something so special to my family and dear in my own memories. Jack is an amazing child and breaths new fresh life into our family. He re-animates everyone and I see through his eyes the vibrancy of my family.

Jack even had his first "kolo" lesson (traditional Serbian dance) from Baba and Tai.







This year Jack lucked out and got to collect all of the coins without competition. He even managed to walk away with a few extra dollars thanks to Deda and Mark.

I am so grateful for the traditions of my family and for a loving husband who understands the value of teaching our child who he is and the traditions he is a part of.

**as a side note Jack asked to eat dinner on the floor all the rest of the week...

Where did this kid come from?

Yesterday while Zack was in the closet getting dressed for work and I was in the bathroom doing my hair and getting ready for the day, Jack sauntered in and walked right up to Zack in the closet. He looked at him and said,

"Alright people, what's the plan for today? What are we going to do with our lives?"

Seriously, where did this kid come from?

The 2009 Car Show

There are few things in life as awesome to Jack as the car show. We have taken him every year since he was born and I am not exaggerating when I say he has LOVED it since he was a baby. This year did not disappoint. Zack, Jack, my mom and I all drove down to the car show together and Nicky, Dani and Bobby met us there. We were there for nearly 3 hours while "the boys" (read Zack and Jack - Nicky only made it about an hour) sat in and pretended to drive almost every car. As in years past, Jack's taste got more and more discerning as the day progressed and he became more interested in the high end cars then mere Fords and Chevy's. By the end Jack was so tired, but refused to admit defeat and go home. Instead he found a cozy place to lie down for a quick pick me up.

Catch Up Christmas

You know life is crazy hectic when I am finally sitting down to record our Christmas one month later. Maybe I can blame my delinquency on the fact that our tree is still up and our lights are still on the house thanks to Mr. Christmas and his three foot tall elf. (on a side note, when I get back from the gym in the evening Mr. Christmas is typically listening to Christmas carols...). I finally lost it last night and informed Mr. Christmas that I couldn't take it anymore and the tree and lights needed to be gone by Saturday night. I felt like Scrooge, but come on -- our neighbors are going to start sending us nasty notes. Not because the lights are still up, but because they are still on each and every night!

Alright, back to Christmas. We had a great week leading up to Christmas which included trips to the Del Mar Festival of Lights, the Christmas house, visiting Candyland, throwing snowballs, sledding, and seeing Santa (from afar).





Christmas eve we had our neighbors over for dinner. They made crab and we made prime rib. Zack insisted we document the deliciousness which was our dinner by taking a picture...

Dani, Bobby, and Nicky stayed over until about 10 at which point we separated and wished Santa good luck with all that still needed to happen. Zack and I woke up at 8 completely thrilled that our elf had given us the gift of sleeping in a bit. We showered, dressed, made breakfast burritos (once again Zack documented it)


and orange rolls. 11:00 rolled around and we still hadn't heard from Jack. I went upstairs and woke him up. He immediately told me he was hungry and my initial thought was this kid is going to throw up. I tried to keep my negative thoughts to myself and consented to make him his requested hot dog **warning lights should have been going off...



He ate one bite and then threw up all over himself, me and our floor. (That picture was taken literally seconds before and if you look at his face you can almost see what's going to happen next!). The rest of the morning past in a blur of throw up and presents. Jack was so sweet and would open one present and then throw up (a gross side note, this was the first time he could tell me he was going to throw up and then throw up into a bowl instead of all over himself and me which was AWESOME). After a few presents Jack told us he was too sick and tired to open more so we took a break on the couch. Jack said he wanted a nap and after Zack gave him a blessing he took a short one hour nap and woke up hungry. All he wanted was an orange roll and I was too tired to say no.



He ate it and was a changed little man. He had energy and quickly remembered he had a ton of unopened presents and went to work.





It's moments like that that I am so grateful for Zack and the power of blessings. It was our Christmas miracle.

The highlight of Jack's Christmas was undoubtedly getting his ATV.



It was the one and only thing he asked for from Santa and he was thrilled. He spent an hour on ichat with my mom showing her all of his tricks and telling her what they were called.

It was not the day I had imagined, but it was perfect in its own way.

Catch up

One of the best things about living in San Diego, besides the fact that we are spending our weekends at the beach in January, is living closer to family. Jack and I have made several trips "up" (see Rachel and Zack -- I am trying) to Irvine to meet either Baba and Tai or my dad. We meet at the Spectrum which is perfect because it has CPK (which is still Jack's favorite restaurant and seems to hold some unknown power to calm him out of acting like a three year old at a restaurant) a fountain to play in, an ice skating rink, a carousel and a Ferris wheel. The first time we went, we met Baba and Tai and had a blast. Jack rode the carousel with Baba and after they left he convinced me to go on the Ferris wheel with him. Let me start off by saying I have an unreasonable fear of heights. (Maybe semi-reasonable in that I fell off a cliff once which hiking and managed to hang on to a branch about halfway down while one of the cars below mercifully stopped and the driver climbed up to rescue me). But that's another story. My fear of heights extends to Ferris wheels. Why anyone on earth would think sitting in a metal cage teetering high up in the air is fun, is beyond me, but Jack really wanted to go. I decided I was 28 years old and I was mature enough to go on a Ferris wheel with my child. We got in and seriously 30 seconds later I was in full panic mode and could not for the life of me look up. Jack sat next to me happy as a clam pointing out how windy it was, how many tiny cars we could see, hey, we could even see the ocean, and all I could do was wrap one hand around the metal pole in the center of the death trap and the other around Jack so that I could save us both when the thing collapsed. Jack, needless to say, noticed I was acting like a lunatic and asked me what was wrong. I wrestled back in forth as to whether to admit to him that I have fears (like plummeting to our death) or keep it from him so my fears wouldn't affect him. I finally decided it was okay for him to know that I got scared sometimes, so I admitted that I was scared and when we finally made it once around the death trap I asked the conductor to stop it and let us off. He laughed and asked if Jack was too young and scared for it, and I admitted I was in fact the one that was too young and scared for it.





The next time we drove "up" to meet my dad at the Spectrum, my dad lovingly agreed to take Jack up in the Ferris wheel and despite making fun of me, the two of them had a blast together.




Anyone else want to meet us at the Spectrum?

A sight that warms my heart

Growing up, every other Sunday morning we would wake up to my Dad playing his guitar at the kitchen table. I loved waking up to those sweet relaxing mornings. My dad was taught how to play the guitar (along with my uncle and aunt) at a very young age by my grandfather who was a professional musician and had his own band. He was a tremendously talented guitarist and my dad follows in his footsteps.

A few weeks ago, while we were in LA visiting, Jack noticed Deda's guitar and asked him shyly if he could play it. The picture of my father sitting "teaching" Jack how to play the guitar will be one I will treasure always.

Jack's wisdom

Last night while we were driving back from the Del Mar Holiday of Lights, Jack and Zack started talking about one of Jack's favorite subjects - breaking your or other people's heads. He is obsessed with the idea that people will break their heads and fall out of their cars in an accident (btw, this is a funny idea to him). As a natural follow up to the conversation they started talking about what happens if someone breaks their head. Where do they go to get help? Zack brought up the idea that they would have to go to the hospital to see Poppi to get their heads fixed. Jack replied, "well, actually** some people go to Nordstrom's to get their heads fixed."

Not exactly the same type of "head fixing" but more true words were never spoken.

**actually is Jack's favorite word right now. The majority of his sentences start with, "well, actually mom..." and then he tells me why I am wrong about whatever I said.

Is Christmas over yet?

Every year I promise myself I will keep sane during the holidays and every year I hit the point of chaos and frenzy. Jack is already Christmas-ed out and it's not even here yet. We are going to the temple to see their nativity show and lights tonight which I am hoping will help all three of us realign ourselves with the true meaning of Christmas. I hope then I can forgive myself that not everything got done perfectly and Jack probably has watched more tv and played more computer games then is good for him as I have scrambled to wrap, shop, bake and cook this holiday season.

Pure Happiness

There are moments that catch me off guard when I am overcome with the pure goodness and joy in my life.

Here are a two of the main reasons...



These two guys have my heart stretched so full with love it hurts sometimes. They make me better then I am.

I truly am the luckiest.

Wake up calls

This morning Zack was awoken by Jack screaming at him from his crib,
"Papa, you're a rockstar!"

Love it.

Two times a charm

So last week brought a new experience for me. I was laid off. Not once, but twice. How is that possible? Well I got laid off on Thursday afternoon, and then again Friday morning. The details are a bit too complex to dive into, but the official position is "I have been laid off and we are working out transitioning my responsibilities."

There is a lot more to be said, but that's all I can say today. Except maybe that I don't recommend the experience -- even once.

Full Mouth

The other day during dinner, Jack turned to me and taking a huge bite of his roll said,
"Hey Mom...look, I learned how to talk with my mouth full just like you!"
Zack looked over at me with a "what are you teaching our child" sort of look.
Man, I can't get away with anything in this house anymore.

**Disclaimer** Although I may start talking before I finish my bite, I like to think that food is not hanging out of my mouth like it was Jacks'.

Sneaks

I finally found Jack in the garage yesterday when I couldn't find him after going upstairs to get his room ready for nap time. I witnessed him standing like six inches from the closed garage door pushing his nose, ears, head, and toes over and over again trying to get the garage door to open so he could sneak out to play with Nicky while I was upstairs. Sneaky little boy. Too bad his mom's sneaky and perpetuating the myth that his body opens the garage...

Trick or Treat

This was the year of Donald Duck and last minute costumes. I like to blame still being burnt out from last year's Halloween costume awesomeness which was the Empire State Building and King Kong...



...but as I was searching for the picture to attach, I realized that all that effort was two years ago. I guess I can't be claim to be burned out two years later...

The truth is Jack had an opinion this year. The problem was that his opinion changed every hour. We would be all ready to get his costume and then he'd inform me that he no longer wanted to be Mickey Mouse, but instead wanted to be a pink (or purple) kitty. I fought hard against the visions of myself dressed up as a kitty when I was five years old, complete with fuzzy ear headband and furry tail, and looked for the requested costume, but he didn't like any I found (at least any I found that I was willing to show him). Three days before our Halloween party, I drove 45 minutes to get to the Disney store and told Jack that he could choose any costume from the store. We walked out half an hour later with a Donald Duck costume, and a talking "Sally." Truthfully, he was more excited about Sally.

Halloween afternoon, I took Jack down to the Ralphs shopping plaza for his first Trick or Treating experience. We had a great time, and Donald's head remained on for all but 5 minutes. Later that evening, we went out Trick or Treating with a few of our neighbors. By the end, when someone would open the door and tell him he could take a candy, he would look in the bowl and tell them "I don't like any of those" and turn around and walk away. The last door we knocked on Jack informed them that all he really wanted was some water. They were nice enough to get him a sealed bottle of water and thought he was so cute that they also gave him a special ring that lit up. Thoroughly re-hydrated, we headed home and let Jack take a turn handing out candy. We had tons of trick or treat-ers and truth be told, Jack had more fun waiting for the doorbell to ring or a knock on the door so he could open it and after asking everyone what they were, choose just the right piece of candy for them.


Zack was unfortunately not able to get his costume finished, and ended up being the Hawaiian gorilla again.



Jack was a bit freaked out by his gorilla hands, but finally agreed to touch them.




Nicky came over to tell us it was time. He was having a costume crisis too, as is depicted by the Jedi Rocket.



Jack thought we were moving too slowly, so he set off on his own in search of candy.







By the end of the evening, Jack kept sticking his head out the window hoping he might catch a glimpse of another trick or treat-er along the path. He had just one last bag of Skittles that he insisted on giving away before going to bed.



After we put Jack down, Zack got back to work on his costume. I indulged his need to see a project through to the end, and happily took his picture to document this year's project... the Tivo guy.

Voting traditions

Historically I don't vote. My theory is that my vote doesn't really make a difference and registering only leaves me vulnerable for jury duty...which I have been called to at least three times. Because of my negativity Zack and Jack have developed an election day routine in which Zack takes Jack to get a vanilla milkshake and then to vote. Today, when I told Jack that we had to go out in the rain so I could vote, he reminded me of the tradition. So after a quick stop off at Wendy's, Jack and I went and cast our vote milkshake in hand. (His, not mine. He doesn't share sweets). I am proud to say that Jack thinks voting rocks. Milkshakes and stickers. Who could ask for more? I take comfort in the thought that Jack is being raised in a voting household (even while I admit most of the credit is Zack's).